4. The Wabbit and the Nostalgia Zone

The three crowded into Quantum's cab as he whooshed through whatever substance it was. It looked like entrails of a sort but then lattice drive was a curious phenomenon. No-one really knew how it worked but work it did. Stringy things flashed by like worms on acid. Soon they found themselves in a strange and blurry world that cleared to reveal a curious structure. The reverse map had done its job, and they hadn't even used the magic pin. Random objects coasted by. Some things they recognised as things they had chucked out. The spark plug, the Wabbit has thrown over a fence because it hadn't worked once too often. The coffee pot was a cast off object which Lapinette had given up as a bad purchase. It stuck for the last time and filled the kitchen with burnt fug. Skratch recognised old toys which he's rooted out of a toy box and given to charity because he was tired of them. But the structure itself was worthy of consideration. It bulged and wallowed. Looking at it was somewhat difficult since it induced a mild nausea. "I have no idea where we are," said Skratch. "I feel sick," moaned Lapinette. "Don't look at the structure," said the Wabbit. Quantum boomed through his loudspeakers. "This is nostalgia world. It induces a sickly clam." The Wabbit laughed. "Don't you mean calm?" "No," replied Quantum. They heard a voice from the direction of the engine room. "Will someone let me out?" It was Wabsworth. "I'm stuck here with a soldering iron and more circuit boards than I care to remember." The Wabbit grinned. "If it smells like chicken, you're holding it wrong."

3. The Wabbit and Quantum's Big Take Off

With the map safely tucked away and stopping to collect Lapinette on the way, the Wabbit arranged for Quantum to make an appearance at the Coliseum. Tourists thought this was one of the mayor's shows. The three jumped aboard and the Wabbit gave the signal for take-off. Quantum was up for it and put on a show. He shimmered and rippled and twisted until the audience applauded with wild abandon. Skratch turned and pinned up the reverse map on a control panel. "Look at the sky," shrieked Lapinette, "The map is working already." "Wait until I get the magic pin out," meaowed Skratch. Quantum was a Time Travelling Train and proud of his prowess. "I can't wait until it shows us our destination," he boomed. "In the meantime where would you like to go?" The Wabbit was enjoying himself. "Take us on a tour of the city, Quantum." The big train wheeled round and at impulse speed, toured across Rome. He buzzed the Forum, shot across the Vatican, and skimmed the Pyramid of Cestius. The Pantheon swirled and blinked at him with its single eye. Skratch fumbled for the magic pin and with a growl from his engines, Quantum rolled back in time. Dinosaurs roamed; the Punic Wars passed in a second. Lapinette watched gladiators march. They caught a glimpse of Caesar as he met his doom. Skratch brought the magic pin level with the map. Quantum's lattice drive fired. Everything span. "Commander, I'm not in control," said Quantum. "It's the map!" hissed Skratch. "A bit more exciting than Google," shrugged the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit and the Myriad Objects

The Chinese shop was, as usual, full of stuff. The Wabbit and Skratch the Cat ferreted around like ferrets. The Wabbit spotted something interesting. "That's a Mouse Mat, Wabbit," purred Skratch. "It's a reverse map mouse mat! It will do," replied the Wabbit. "Try and say that quickly," said Skratch. In his paw he clutched a box of bolts. He reached up for a large pin. It tingled when he touched it. "This might be magic," he said. "Ippety pippety pow," said the Pin. Skratch nodded. "This is the one." The Wabbit grinned and took the mouse map. "Let's pay for our purchases and be on our way." "Who's paying?" asked Skratch. "The Dinosaur Fund," said the Wabbit. "That still buoyant?" asked Skratch. "Euro hedged global short-term bonds," said the Wabbit. "Very fancy," growled Skratch. "Until last week," said the Wabbit. "Half our funds shifted briefly to real estate. Then back. Shaky foundations." Skratch shook his head. He believed all that was dangerously risky. "I'll stick with Mouse Investments." The Wabbit swept several more items into a basket. "What does the Magic Pin say." Silence fell. You could have heard a pin drop. "I wanted to be a banker," said the Pin, "But I kept losing interest." The Wabbit scowled. "I make the jokes around here." They all turned to go, but the Wabbit wanted one more thing. He grabbed a tube of glue. When Skratch looked at him he shrugged. "For when things all fall apart."

1. The Wabbit and the Chinese Shop

"Hey there, Commander!" Skratch the Cat could see the Wabbit heading across Via Leone VIII. He was displaying a determined walk, with his face set forward. He could be going to any number of interesting places thought Skratch. The Wabbit reached the other side of the road and Skratch pounced to his side. "Hello Skratch," said the Wabbit, "I'm heading to the Chinese shop for an unobtainable item. Then I fancy a prosecco. Join me?" Skratch never said no to such an offer. He meaowed. "What type of object do you fancy?" The Wabbit hopped speedily on. "I've no idea," he said. "They have everything." Skratch nodded. He knew the Wabbit collected odd bits and pieces and concealed them in his fur. "Are we between missions?" he asked. "We certainly are," replied the Wabbit, "I was wondering if we could fill in the time by making something impossible." Skratch thought for a second. This could go a number of ways, all of them fraught with dangerous outcomes. "Were you thinking of a bolt-on accessory for the control board of Quantum the Train?" The Wabbit's mouth dropped open. "I was, as it happened." Skratch's tail quivered with delight. "Something that could take us to uncharted territories where's there no need of a map?" The Wabbit smiled. "I was thinking of a bolt-on reverse map that might take us somewhere we never heard of - or even wanted to go." Skratch scurried forward. "It will require a magic pin!" The Wabbit made a mental list. "One reverse map, one magic pin. some bolts. Anything else?" "Sandwiches," purred Skratch. 

The Wabbit's famous Adventure Caffè

The team headed for Palombini's in EUR for their customary drink but were distracted by the market. "I didn't know there was a market here," said Wabsworth. "Every second Sunday," responded Lapinette. "I see a trader I know," remarked Wabsworth. "They go around," shrugged the Wabbit. The trader was a Calabrian with a special line in hot peppers that the Wabbit especially liked. They hopped a little farther. "Skratch, do the usual!" The Wabbit couldn't wait for Skratch to pronounce his special wisdom. "What was that for a special sort of adventure?" Skratch thrashed his tail. "It provided a means of commenting on society and its current mores. I'd say it does not fall into a genre." Lapinette grinned. "Maybe they all do. It's not new." Wabsworth wanted his word. "Strictly speaking they are folkways. Everyone agrees that they are so." The Wabbit groaned. "That doesn't mean they are. This was counter-hegemonic." Skratch hissed. "Counter hegemonic you say?" Lapinette was fast to offer her critique. "Perhaps the zombies as tourists do eat the flesh of society. Weighing down planes, polluting the atmosphere, using up any available accommodation. Turning our varied cuisine into pizza, pasta, tiramisu. They devour capacity and invert our world. Everyone carries two trolleys and does the same everything on the cheap." Skratch stepped back. "That's very sage, Lapinette." The Wabbit nodded his head. "Let's head to Palombini's." "What shall we have?" asked Wabsworth. "Prosecco Rosé?" quipped the Wabbit.

7. The Wabbit on Movie Location

The film was nearly finished and the Wabbit and Lapinette joined Wabsworth on location. "Just a few pick-ups," murmured the Wabbit, who was producing. Some of the cast cavorted around in their costumes and make up. Everything seemed chaotic but was all going ahead according to plan. "Where's our director, Skratch?" asked Lapinette. "He's with the second unit," smiled Wabsworth, "He couldn't bear to leave it alone." Lapinette giggled. A zombie touched the Wabbit on the shoulder and he jumped. "Do you think the audience will get the inference that it's the tourists who are the zombies?" he said. Lapinette advised him not to care. "Leave that to Skratch to analyse." Wabsworth waved to the camera crew. "Do you think it will win any awards?" The Wabbit was horrified. "I certainly hope not." Silence ensued. "That's the spirit Commander," shrugged Wabsworth, "That's for the cinephiles." The sun beat down on Rome. It was only May but the Wabbit considered changing his fur for something more tropical. "I know a bar near here," he said. "Wabbit it's only 9.30 am," gasped Lapinette. "I'm Scottish," said the Wabbit. "We don't have rules about drinking." Wabsworth shrugged. "I'll join you." Being an android, he had tuned his algorithms to synthesise alcohol at any time. "Where is this bar?" asked Lapinette. But the Wabbit was already on his way and so they fell in behind him. 

6. The Wabbit and the Terrifying Terror

Further up the tunnel there was light and for a second Wabsworth was relived. Then he heard a commotion and was on him. A ferocious creature grabbed him from behind and howled. "Waaaabsworth, Waaaabsworth!" It knew his name, he didn't know how. He struggled but couldn't free himself. The creatures claws sank into his fur. Blood foamed from its mouth and slathered onto his neck. He activated his defences again. The creature felt the shock and let go but it was infuriated and roared the louder. Wabsworth heard another sound. He feared more zombies and ripped his arm away from the creature. But a blood curdling cry from above could only be the Wabbit. He heard a violent struggle and risked a glance upwards. The Wabbit had swung down from a piece of ironwork and wrapped himself round the creature's neck. He had an automatic. For a second Wabsworth shook his head, but he remembered a line from a film he'd seen. Kill the brain and you kill the ghoul. It was like instant communication. The Wabbit heard it and mouthed it. He pushed his automatic into the creature's mouth and fired upwards. Its spurting blood was a curious shade of purple. The bullet had pierced the brain. The creature slumped and lay on the tunnel floor. The Wabbit dropped. "Wabsworth. How's yer belly off for spots?" he murmured. "Spot on," quipped Wabsworth. With a chortle the Wabbit kicked the dead creature. "I've seen that in the movies," said Wabsworth. "So have I," murmured the Wabbit.

5. Wabsworth in the Deep Catacombs

Deep in the catacombs and safe for the moment, Wabsworth saw a line of statues. Judging by the state of their composition, they had been outside for a long time then brought inside. "What's your name my son?" The voice boomed and echoed through the tunnels. "My name is Wabsworth," said Wabsworth. He thought it best to be formal. "I am an android in the service of the Department of Wabbit Affairs." The speaker leaned forward. "I am a representation of an apostle in the service of the Lord. How may I help you?" Wabsworth ran the statue's image through his vast information banks but found only archaeology. "I have a bit of Zombie trouble," he said. The statue nodded sagely. "Poor creatures, they are caught in a state of undeadness and must wander the earth for all of time." Wabsworth was faintly irritated. He shrugged. "They're wandering too far. I haven't got all of time. I must join with my team and rid the earth of zombies." The statue grimaced. "I can hear them coming. They will be here soon." Wabsworth could hear the flapping of a dragon's wings and faint moans in the distance. He knew that theology wasn't going to help him. Again the statue spoke. "I will delay them. You be on your way." The statues began to crumble and one by one they fell across the passageway. Wabsworth started to run .. 

4. Wabsworth and the Zombie Dragon

Wabsworth was enjoying a day off at the Colosseum when all hell broke loose. He'd been enjoying going around and subjecting any tourist he met to his encyclopedic knowledge of the Roman Empire. But when a dragon dropped from the sky and picked him up, he thought that was a bit too much. He pulled out his radio and tried to get in touch with the Wabbit. It flew from his paw, squawking with the Wabbit's tones. "Urgent, urgent! Beware! Zombies of all kinds descending on Rome! This is not a drill! I repeat. This is not a drill." Wabsworth turned on his anti dragon software and shook. Electricity surged from his fur. The dragon released his grip and Wabsworth dropped to the ground where two zombies awaited. They looked mean. They growled. Decaying flesh dripped from their faces. "They look like they're from a music video." Wabsworth spun on his heels and made for the nearest tunnel. Tourists abounded but none paid any attention. "All part of the show?" murmured Wabsworth. He sounded just like the Wabbit. The dragon wheeled in the sky and dived at him. Wabsworth recovered his radio, ducked into the tunnel and disappeared. The dragon was wedged in the entrance. Wings flapped in a frantic dance. Scales dropped like autumn leaves. It breathed fire and the stench was grim as sour vomit. "That way to the vomitorium," quipped Wabsworth.

3. Lapinette and the Hungry Zombies

Lapinette was in Testaccio Market when she heard them coming. It was a kind of shuffle. A little bit distinctive, a little bit zombie. She flattened herself against a trader's stall, but it was no good. They advanced round the corner and saw her immediately. She got her radio out and it started to crackle with the Wabbit's voice. The signal was intermittent. "Beware ..  crackle .. zombies .. crackle .. shopping," It was too squawky. She switched it off because she already knew that. The first zombie was shorter or maybe he was just stooped. He bent down even further. "Brains," he said, "Need brains." The taller one echoed him. "Juicy brains, more juicy, squashy brains." Saliva drooled from what was left of his lips. Lapinette was already pointing. "Straight along there. You can't miss the butcher. He has plenty of succulent juicy brains." She thought fast. "Do you like wild boar salami?" The two shuffled past. "Need human brains," they moaned. As they rounded the corner, Lapinette got back on the radio. "Wabbit, what's this zombie thing?" The radio crackled. "I've got my own zombies here. Terrible dress sense." Lapinette gritted her teeth. "What do your zombies eat?" The radio crackled again. "Each other." Lapinette felt nauseous. The radio whined a bit. "Can you interest them in aperitivi?" asked the Wabbit. 

2. The Wabbit and the Automatic Zombies

The Wabbit went to the shed the next day to check it out. He'd established that there was nothing untoward and moved further down the street when he heard scuffling behind him. He turned and there they were. Zombies. "I knew it!" he murmured. There was a badly dressed one, another who he could only describe as medium - and a young woman who he knew Lapinette would describe as tarty. They stood stock still. Then one moved its arms as if it was a signal for them all to move. Then they waved in ghastly synchrony. The Wabbit couldn't help moving back. It was then that something touched his ears. "Yeuch!" he yelled and brushed whatever it was away. He squinted upwards. It was a hideous skeletal figure with protruding bones. "Get off," he shouted. It was a hand that belonged to an arm that swayed for an instant before falling to the street. The Wabbit stepped back again. The zombies stepped forward. He stepped toward them. They stepped back. The Wabbit started thinking. They looked like they'd escaped from a film. Especially the one in the awful shirt. "How do you boo!" greeted the Wabbit. "Shopping, must do shopping!" they replied. The Wabbit pointed further down the street. "Furniture, kitchen and fittings," he said. He glanced at the roughly dressed one. "Men's outfitters and bags in great quantity." "Bags, get bags," said the Zombies. The skeletal figure replaced his arm and they stumbled past the Wabbit in the general direction of IKEA. "It's not even Black Friday," murmured the Wabbit. 

1. The Wabbit and Shaun of the Shed

The Wabbit rounded the shed-like structure on the street. It was never open and the Wabbit wondered why it was there. The lettering was beginning to fade, and it had seen better days. The Wabbit puffed out his cheeks. "Shaun of the Shed," he thought. He laughed at his own joke, even though it wasn't great. A delivery bike driver behind him giggled. "At least someone thinks I'm funny," murmured the Wabbit. But the cyclist was laughing at something further down the street. The Wabbit shrugged to conceal his disappointment. He was waiting on a message about a mission. No mission in the offing made the Wabbit sightly nervous. "I'm on more of an intermission," he quipped. He disliked waiting. The evening sun made long shadows on the road. "Time for an aperitivo," he mused. A new caffè had opened further along the road. He had yet to try it. He started to hop that way but glanced back at the shed. "I hope it's not full of zombies." He looked again. "When there's no more room in Hell, the dead will seek out sheds." He moved closer. "Dead in a shed!" Then he began to laugh. "Out of your head in a shed!" Passersby turned to look. Some joined in, calling for zombies to emerge. The Wabbit saw movement and shouted. "I like my zombies slow and stupid." The door swung open ...  

The Wabbit at his famous Adventure Caffè

The Wabbit ordered the team to assemble at the Caffè in Testaccio Market. It was a mite chilly, but their enthusiasm made up for the cold. Lapinette bounded into the Wabbit's paws. Or she would have, except he wasn't holding them out. Wabsworth was helpless with mirth. He'd souped up his sense of humour algorithm and guffawed like a pirate. "Love's young dream," he squealed. "That's quite enough Commander," said Lapinette. "Sorry Ma'am," he apologised. Lapinette was only pretending to be annoyed and she asked the question. "What was that for a sort of adventure we just had?" Skratch the Cat had arrived, only slightly late. "It was magic adventure, and you cannot have that on its own, Wabbit!" Wabsworth was anxious to redeem himself as a serious scholar. "Without society, magic does not exist. Yet its transformative nature is without mechanical parallel."  The Wabbit smiled one of his annoying smiles. "Even symbolic actions produce a change of state." Lapinette put her paws on her hips. "Collective imaginings of invisible powers imbue them with efficacy," she said, "And that is what makes magic a social fact." Skratch was on that with a pounce. "We are all social facts." They chanted together in unison. "We are all social facts. We are all social facts." The Wabbit hopped up and down. "I see cocktails here are dirt cheap! And that's a social fact." "You're buying, that's a fact." pointed Lapinette.

6. The Wabbit back in the Neighbourhood.

Dawn broke, the sun came up and they found themselves on steps that were in their very own neighbourhood. The Wabbit still had the wand. He waved it. Nothing happened. He tried again. Nothing. "It doesn't work any more." Lapinette was relieved. "It's for the best. I think you need to find a new hobby." The Wabbit half smiled. "I could have transformed the neighbourhood." Lapinette burst out laughing. "Leave that to the mayor." For a second the Wabbit saw massive buildings rising to the sky with heliports on top and moving walkways suspended in the air. People thronged back and forth. Now he made a wide grin. "I could be a property developer." Lapinette shuddered. "I'd call my company, Wabbitude," he continued. "Everything has a silly name now. I'll speak to Wabsworth." "You'll do nothing of the sort!" yelled Lapinette, "You're totally unsuitable to be a property developer." "What qualifications do I need?" asked the Wabbit. "Some money and a brass neck." Lapinette had her paws of her hips. "I can get you these," said the Magic Wand. "Goodbye, Wand!" retorted Lapinette. Nothing happened because she hadn't said the password. "Brat draoidheachd," Wabbit did it for her. "Make yourself scarce." The wand popped out of existence.
 

5. The Wabbit and the Nine Moons

The Wabbit landed first. He was by a church on a hill under a large number of moons. He counted them. Seven - with two more hiding he reckoned. Then he saw Lapinette come tumbling from the sky. He was still attached to the wand, and he lifted it. They became two and so did Lapinette. "Help!" cried the Lapinettes. He put all the effort he could into the wands and it worked. Stars flashed and they waved. One Lapinette came floating in to land. The other faded away. He was left with one wand and one Lapinette. She touched down on the steps and breathed a sigh of relief. "What are all these moons?" The Wabbit tapped his wand. "Something that this conjured up."  "I don't like them," yelled Lapinette. "Get rid of them." The Wabbit waved his wand and the moons vanished. Except for the two hidden behind the church. They emerged, flashed like beacons - and began to circle. The Wabbit looked at the sky. "The sun is coming up. We only have to wait." The Wabbit and Lapinette sat on the steps with the magic wand. "Try the wand again," suggested Lapinette. The Wabbit waved the wand. A wind sprang up. Leaves rustled. Lapinette gripped her frock. The wind passed. The Church was gone. Moons were gone. All that remained were the magic wand, the dawn and two rabbits ...